![\"Oneonta](\"https:\/\/stephenshostek.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/P2050179.jpg\")
<\/a>Oneonta Gorge From Horsetail Falls Trail<\/p><\/div>\n
I\u2019m struck by how hard it can be to simply grieve.\u00a0 The \u201cshow stopper\u201d aspect of grief came into focus for me this week.\u00a0 Grief can stop us in our tracks.\u00a0 It invites us to stop what we\u2019re doing and come to terms with the loss that precipitated the grief.\u00a0 It reminds us that no amount of action can reverse some losses.<\/p>\n
Some of the healing power of grief comes during that slowing down process.\u00a0 We need that time in order to come to terms with loss.\u00a0 By slowing me down, grief gives me enough time to feel the important things and to work the loss through to a conclusion.\u00a0 The conclusions I reach after grieving are generally more life affirming than those I reach if I refuse to grieve a loss.<\/p>\n
But we live in a culture that doesn\u2019t want to slow down and that values action and movement, rather than stopping.\u00a0 Additionally, the public opinion pendulum has swung toward taking swift and decisive action anytime we feel wronged.\u00a0 It seems all the more satisfying if the action has finality in it.\u00a0 We love absolutes. Anything less, we\u2019re told, is woefully soft.\u00a0 It\u2019s a social offense in some circles to be soft.<\/p>\n
But grief is a soft thing, and it softens you up for a time.\u00a0 Ask someone who\u2019s lost a parent, a child, a love about that.\u00a0 Or, like this week in Oregon, a special place.<\/p>\n
We seem to have lost our bearings about things that we judge to be soft.\u00a0 Grief isn\u2019t popular, it just isn\u2019t cool.<\/p>\n
Consider too, that we have the capacity to convert the energy of one strong emotion into another.\u00a0 For example, we often see this happening with shame \u2013 some folks become adept at converting the emotional energy of shame quickly into anger.\u00a0 Gershen Kaufman makes this observation in his book, \u201cShame: The Power of Caring.\u201d\u00a0 This week I see a similar conversion phenomenon at work regarding grieving the loss inflicted by the Eagle Creek Fire.\u00a0 The burning of our beloved gorge has been a tremendous loss and we feel that pain when we see the images of burning trees and deal with the smoke wafting through our neighborhoods.\u00a0 The sadness of that loss should queue us up to grieve, but over and over this week I see appropriate grief being cut short, converted into the only action that seems available \u2013 looking for punishment and retribution.<\/p>\n
It appears that slowing down enough to feel the grief and to complete its important work just isn\u2019t a publicly celebrated option. \u00a0Instead of slowing down, I hear people and journalists jumping quickly from discussing loss – to defining retribution and vengeance.\u00a0 The teenager(s) who are accused of starting the fire are de-humanized as\u00a0 \u201cassholes,\u201d \u201cidiots,\u201d and \u201cschmuck\u201d in the local media; and much worse out loud.\u00a0 Our shared loss is briefly mentioned and then prison sentences, lifetime public service penalties, and let\u2019s take down their parents too, are the quick and ready reactions.\u00a0 Instead of grief we go to punishment and retribution.\u00a0 I found myself going there on Monday as the fire grew.<\/p>\n
Really?\u00a0 Is this how we\u2019ll make a better world?<\/p>\n